I Think I May Have Lost Something

I lose track of things often. My phone, my keys, my grocery list, occasionally my kids...

For Christmas this year, my mom gave me a keychain tracker. I would use it, if only I could remember where I put the darn thing.

Because I forget things so easily, I am obsessed with checking things. Are my keys in my hand before I close the door? Did I turn off the coffeepot? Do I have something to drink while I'm in my car?

There is one thing that I constantly obsess about that I have no real way of checking, though. Did I forget to take my tampon out? It is my one comfort when scheduling my annual well-woman exam. At least I will get a definitive answer on that one and be stress-free until my next period.

A few years ago I had an major operation. It happened to be 3 months before my annual exam. After injecting me with a 'mild sedative' before the major anesthesia, the nurse asked me if I had any other questions. I remember asking her quietly if while they were 'down there,' she could check to make sure I didn't have a tampon in me. My husband was still in the surgical prep room with me, but I am sure he didn't hear me asking the nurse to check my snatch for stray feminine hygiene products. I know nurses hear and see everything, but I have a feeling this was the first time someone had made this request. She looked a little embarrassed, but said she would. Ahhh, now I could relax. And that was all I remember until a couple of days after surgery...

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About a week after my surgery, my husband was recalling all the weird stuff I was saying and doing while on anesthesia and the subsequent pain medication. He said I was begging the nurse for more morphine after I 'came to' and she was telling me that if she gave me any more I would stop breathing (this was MAJOR surgery, folks). I also got out of his car carrying my half-full catheter bag across a parking lot to a picnic table where store employees were having their break and smoked a cigarette while he ran into the store to pick up my prescriptions.

Then he started to tell me about what happened before I went into surgery. He said I was harassing the poor nurse about checking my vag for tampons. I told him, "No, I remember that. I asked her really quietly. I whispered so quietly that I didn't even think you could hear me!" Um...no. Apparently, once I was "relaxed" I would say to the nurse every time she walked by. "Hey, don't forget to look inside for tampons! Promise me you are going to look!" He also told me that by the time they were taking me back to the operating room, I was practically screaming it to every nurse and doctor I saw.

O.M.G.

It's a good thing I had my surgery at a specialized surgical facility, because if he is not exaggerating, I may have woken up from surgery in the psych ward.

GTT-Olympic Gold

I recently stumbled across a really great blogsite that offers a topic each Thursday and links to each blogger's post on said topic. I am really excited to participate since coming up with something to write about has proven difficult for me.



The site is Girl Talk Thursday, and this week's topic: If you could create an Olympic competition that you were sure to take home the gold medal in, what would it be?

I have read the other bloggers' posts, and think I might have some steep competition if procrastination were an event. I am sure I would place though, because, hey, it is now Friday night and they have already posted their responses. Heh.

So, let's see...what else could I whoop everyone else's pants in? I think it would have to be in the TMI (women) event. I am certain there are men out there that are way better at this, but I could so win if the competition was female only.

I think bodily functions (or dysfunctions) are almost always hilarious. I will talk about them in the most inappropriate settings without filter. Church fellowship dinner, perhaps? Actually, I think somewhere in my brain there is a filter, it is just severely damaged. I can feel something zapping warnings 'don't say that', 'people are eating', 'that's just gross'. Nevertheless, the words seem to just tumble out of my mouth.

This is why I have always believed I was destined to have boys. I honestly wouldn't know how to raise a girl 'properly'. I could probably read about it and figure it out as I went along, but it certainly wouldn't come naturally. I don't like dolls. I can't stand the color pink. I don't even know how to make a braid. (The fact that one of my boys thinks he IS a girl and told me just yesterday that he wants to grow up to 'be a lady' is topic for another day, however.)

I fart a lot. A LOT, a lot. I asked my hubby last week what he would give me if he could get me anything at all for Valentine's Day. His answer? "A can of beans and an empty room to fart in." I shit you not, that is what he said. He knows me well...that probably WOULD be a great gift for me. I fart, I laugh, laughing makes me fart, the cycle repeats, and it is such a good time! Well, it is for me at least. He continues to allow almost all of his bodily functions occur behind closed doors. Spoiled sport.

My oldest son was enrolled in a pre-K program when he was 3 years old. On the first day of school, his teacher found it necessary to leave the classroom to call me about his 'potty mouth'. These were her exact words:

"Your son seems to have a potty mouth. He said 'F...A-R-T."

Two thoughts went through my head. The first, 'Thank God it was THAT 'F-word'! The other: 'So WHAT?!?!' Luckily, my filter seemed to be (somewhat) working that day, as I was able to choke out through my suppressed giggles, "OK. I will talk to him when he gets home." When I picked him up, I had to explain to him that we needed to keep those words inside our house because not everyone finds them funny.

I will limit myself to one more piece of anecdotal evidence, because I could go on about this stuff all night and day.

Last month, a friend was describing her experience on the Master Cleanse Diet. I wasn't especially intrigued until she mentioned 'the poop'. Apparently, you could Google search this diet and people have taken photos of their bowel movements, which, OMG, ratemypoo.com doesn't even hold a candle to. That site is like child's play compared to the beauties that this diet expels. I was absolutely OBSESSED over this thing for a week. I really wanted to try the Master Cleanse and see what MY poop would look like. Hubby, however, was very much against it, and besides, I like my food way too much and have zero willpower.

Which reminds me...if 'lack of willpower' were an Olympic event, I would probably win that one, too.

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So what event would you be sure to win the gold medal in? Add a comment and tell me!

My Top 10 Fantasy Guys-Real and Fictional

Everyone has their list. I just want an excuse to look at eye candy and "decorate" my blog this evening, so I'm posting mine. I will start with my top 5 dreamiest fictional characters, countdown style, and then go on to my top 5 faves "as themselves". Grab a snack and enjoy!

5. Michael Scofield in Prison Break

This guy goes to prison for the sole purpose of breaking his falsely accused brother OUT. That's love. And, um, look at him. Yum, yum yum!


4. Jack Dawson in Titanic

Jack could draw me in the nude any day. Yes!!!


3. Noah Calhoun in The Notebook

Wowsers, this guy has passion. And when he just grabs her like that on the dock...oh how I love that tingle. :)


2. Jim Halpert in The Office (US)

Because he is Jim. And I would totally be his Pam.


1. Edward Cullen in Twilight

Don't you dare make fun of my Edward or I will cut you. For serious.


And now for my top 5 stars I would totally, um, yeah.

5. Jude Law

If I saw him on the street, it might take more than a few security guards to keep me from jumping on top of him.

4. Ryan Phillippe

Very sexy...too bad he's a d*ck.

3. Billie Joe Armstrong

Did I just lose you there? I have no idea why, but a guy with eyeliner does it for me. He just does.


2. John Krasinski

I know, I already had Jim Halpert on my fictional character top 5, but he is just so endearing that I can only image he is just like his character in real life. And he is totally nice to look at.

1. John Stewart

Because he's handsome. And funny. And somehow, I imagine he is a great dad. And that is the sexiest characteristic to possess in my book.

Words You *Thought* Were Safe To Teach Your Kids

A few months ago, my 3yo Baby Bee was waking up in the middle of the night SCREAMING that his butt was itchy. This happened two days in a row, so I did what any good mother would do-I consulted Dr. Google. I quickly learned that my BB was most likely suffering from pinworms, which are very common in the younger set. Thank you, Dr. Google, for saving me a $30 copay and the madness of sitting in a pediatrician's office during "sick visits" with little sneezing, hacking, germ-spreading children.

Pinworms are treated either by prescription (you know, if you actually PAY to see a doctor) or an over-the-counter medication called Pin-X. I figured I would just pick some up in the grocery store, since I was already planning a trip there for the day. I couldn't find any in the OTC medicine aisle, so I asked the pharmacist if he had any behind the counter. Either this pharmacist did not have any kids of his own, or he was just an asshat, because as soon as the word "pinworms" escaped my lips, he leaped backward and cringed. Holy hell, Mr. Pharmacist! Isn't part of your JOB not to be all judgmental and crap? Remind me not to have my candida prescriptions filled there. Or maybe it would be fun to give him some more shivers up his spine. *Note to self: be sure to shake his hand when I pick up the aforementioned medication.

So I found the Pin-X at CVS the same day. I dosed the entire family because that is what Dr. Google told me to do. As I was handing out the medicine, I explained to the kids that BB had pinworms and this medicine would kill the worms so he could feel better. OK, so I have no filter and may or may not have gone into exactly what pinworms are and how they come out of your butt when you are sleeping to lay their eggs. What can I say? BB and BBB were not freaked out and were actually quite intrigued with the whole matter. I did stop short of showing them images of pinworms on the Internet though, because hey, even I have limits. The boys were so excited about the worms living in BB's butt that they wanted to make sure they knew exactly how to say them and commit their name to memory.

"Pen-worms"

"No, PINworms."

"pinnn worms."

"Yes, exactly."

"Pinworms, pinworms, pinworms in your butt!"

It was as if I just told them Monster Jam was coming to town and we had front row VIP seats.

The itching stopped practically overnight, and so, I thought, did the memory of the curious little parasite "pinworms". Oh, how wrong I was.

Now anytime there is a slightly itchy feeling on the backside area of either of my children, they are sure to announce to anyone within shouting distance, ""Pinworms, pinworms, there's pinworms in my butt!"

Perhaps going with the simple line, "Here, take this medicine. It will make you feel better," was the better option in this situation. Oh well.

The Stupid Shuffle

So what is the deal with these stupid dances? The latest, "The Cupid Shuffle" has got to be the worst by far. It is basically a revision of the Electric Slide, with worse steps and even worse music. What is it that makes people want to be such sheep? Is it a lack of dancing skill? It is all so baffling to me.

When I was younger, I did enjoy the Electric Slide, and it's most likely because admittedly, I cannot keep a beat to save my life. But then I worked as catering staff for a facility that would accommodate 3 wedding receptions in one day. In 1996. This was the pinnacle of The Macarena. OMG!!! Not only did EVERY disc jockey play this song, they played it multiple times at each reception. And the people loved it. And I wanted to stick a carving knife in my ear.

Next, there is the Cha-Cha Song (or whatever it is called). This has been a staple of wedding receptions over the past few years. And now that I am 30, I go to several weddings each year. And groan when it inevitably plays. And how many people know how to "do the Charlie Brown"? Most people just stand there when that part plays. But at least this dance is not the same 3 moves repeated over and over and over again. You actually have to listen and follow instructions. Which makes it paradoxically both less annoying and the perfect song for sheep.

The Cupid Shuffle is the worst by far. None of the steps are original. In fact, it takes all the filler steps from other dances and calls itself "new". It is stupid. And people look stupid doing it. So why does it fill the dance floor when it comes on? This, my friends, will remain a great mystery to me.

First Buzz

A blog? Yes, a blog. Why not?

King Bee says I am boring and need a hobby. He qualifies this insult observation by adding that reading blogs doesn't count. Ahh, but he did not disqualify writing my own. Silly men.

So I suppose an introduction is in order. I am the Queen Bee, adored mother of two exceptionally lively little boys and loyal wife to King Bee. For brevity's sake, King Bee will usually be referred to as KB and the boys (who are certain to make multiple appearances in my posts) will be referred to as Baby Bee (BB) and Big Boy Bee (BBB).

So KB says I am boring and have no friends. Pshaww. I have twice as many facebook friends as he does. He says facebook doesn't count. Whatever. I'm certainly not boring, I just lead a boring life. There is a difference. I think.