Words You *Thought* Were Safe To Teach Your Kids

A few months ago, my 3yo Baby Bee was waking up in the middle of the night SCREAMING that his butt was itchy. This happened two days in a row, so I did what any good mother would do-I consulted Dr. Google. I quickly learned that my BB was most likely suffering from pinworms, which are very common in the younger set. Thank you, Dr. Google, for saving me a $30 copay and the madness of sitting in a pediatrician's office during "sick visits" with little sneezing, hacking, germ-spreading children.

Pinworms are treated either by prescription (you know, if you actually PAY to see a doctor) or an over-the-counter medication called Pin-X. I figured I would just pick some up in the grocery store, since I was already planning a trip there for the day. I couldn't find any in the OTC medicine aisle, so I asked the pharmacist if he had any behind the counter. Either this pharmacist did not have any kids of his own, or he was just an asshat, because as soon as the word "pinworms" escaped my lips, he leaped backward and cringed. Holy hell, Mr. Pharmacist! Isn't part of your JOB not to be all judgmental and crap? Remind me not to have my candida prescriptions filled there. Or maybe it would be fun to give him some more shivers up his spine. *Note to self: be sure to shake his hand when I pick up the aforementioned medication.

So I found the Pin-X at CVS the same day. I dosed the entire family because that is what Dr. Google told me to do. As I was handing out the medicine, I explained to the kids that BB had pinworms and this medicine would kill the worms so he could feel better. OK, so I have no filter and may or may not have gone into exactly what pinworms are and how they come out of your butt when you are sleeping to lay their eggs. What can I say? BB and BBB were not freaked out and were actually quite intrigued with the whole matter. I did stop short of showing them images of pinworms on the Internet though, because hey, even I have limits. The boys were so excited about the worms living in BB's butt that they wanted to make sure they knew exactly how to say them and commit their name to memory.

"Pen-worms"

"No, PINworms."

"pinnn worms."

"Yes, exactly."

"Pinworms, pinworms, pinworms in your butt!"

It was as if I just told them Monster Jam was coming to town and we had front row VIP seats.

The itching stopped practically overnight, and so, I thought, did the memory of the curious little parasite "pinworms". Oh, how wrong I was.

Now anytime there is a slightly itchy feeling on the backside area of either of my children, they are sure to announce to anyone within shouting distance, ""Pinworms, pinworms, there's pinworms in my butt!"

Perhaps going with the simple line, "Here, take this medicine. It will make you feel better," was the better option in this situation. Oh well.

The Stupid Shuffle

So what is the deal with these stupid dances? The latest, "The Cupid Shuffle" has got to be the worst by far. It is basically a revision of the Electric Slide, with worse steps and even worse music. What is it that makes people want to be such sheep? Is it a lack of dancing skill? It is all so baffling to me.

When I was younger, I did enjoy the Electric Slide, and it's most likely because admittedly, I cannot keep a beat to save my life. But then I worked as catering staff for a facility that would accommodate 3 wedding receptions in one day. In 1996. This was the pinnacle of The Macarena. OMG!!! Not only did EVERY disc jockey play this song, they played it multiple times at each reception. And the people loved it. And I wanted to stick a carving knife in my ear.

Next, there is the Cha-Cha Song (or whatever it is called). This has been a staple of wedding receptions over the past few years. And now that I am 30, I go to several weddings each year. And groan when it inevitably plays. And how many people know how to "do the Charlie Brown"? Most people just stand there when that part plays. But at least this dance is not the same 3 moves repeated over and over and over again. You actually have to listen and follow instructions. Which makes it paradoxically both less annoying and the perfect song for sheep.

The Cupid Shuffle is the worst by far. None of the steps are original. In fact, it takes all the filler steps from other dances and calls itself "new". It is stupid. And people look stupid doing it. So why does it fill the dance floor when it comes on? This, my friends, will remain a great mystery to me.

First Buzz

A blog? Yes, a blog. Why not?

King Bee says I am boring and need a hobby. He qualifies this insult observation by adding that reading blogs doesn't count. Ahh, but he did not disqualify writing my own. Silly men.

So I suppose an introduction is in order. I am the Queen Bee, adored mother of two exceptionally lively little boys and loyal wife to King Bee. For brevity's sake, King Bee will usually be referred to as KB and the boys (who are certain to make multiple appearances in my posts) will be referred to as Baby Bee (BB) and Big Boy Bee (BBB).

So KB says I am boring and have no friends. Pshaww. I have twice as many facebook friends as he does. He says facebook doesn't count. Whatever. I'm certainly not boring, I just lead a boring life. There is a difference. I think.